A letter to my first cigarette

Dear my first cigarette,

Although it has been many years now since I had you, you have been on my mind a lot lately.  I am coming up to a year smoke free, And I think about you almost every day. I think about hiding behind some trees at a nearby park and lighting you with a Bic lighter that I had stolen from my mom, along with you. Had I only had the courage to tell my ‘friends’ that it probably was not a good idea if I did it. If only I knew what lighting you would do to me for over a decade. I wish I would have dropped you on the ground, and shredded you to pieces. Better yet, I almost wish I had smoked you, or tried to anyway but I wish that instead of laughing when I coughed (choking), that I would have been honest, and admitted how disgusting you were. How horrible you tasted, how the taste dried out my mouth, and made me feel like puking. That the scent you left on my fingers, was terrible. I wish I would have used that as a lesson learned, and never to smoke again. But, that is not how our story panned out, now it is? Continue reading

Chocolate or Cigarettes

Today I found out that I am at risk for gestational diabetes. On my glucose tolerance test I came in with a 7.9, just above the safe ceiling of 7.7. Which means I will need to take a follow-up test in a little over a week to see if I have gestational diabetes. If I do, I will not be able to have the birth plan I am hoping for at the Toronto Birthing Centre, could have a host of problems both short and/or long-term for myself and the baby, and could end up needing a c-section. This is the opposite of the drug-free birth of my dreams/nightmares (ha!).

How does this relate to my quitting smoking journey? Continue reading

Did I stay smoke free after the birth of my baby?

I started blogging in September 2014, when I was 6 months pregnant. At first I was very hesitant to blog, because I am very private about my smoking habit.  I do not disclose my smoking to anyone, including friends, family and co-workers. There are only a couple of individuals that know I smoke and are also my smoking buddy’s. Continue reading

Smoking After Giving Birth

I wanted to think I would have a seamless transition of staying an ex-smoker after childbirth. Sadly no, that was not the case. Here are some reasons why:

Even though this birthing experience was slightly shorter than my first and second, bringing another person into this world is hard work! After the stress and worry was finally over (for that phase of parenthood) I really, really had the urge to “calm down”, “take the edge off” or “reward myself” with a cigarette.

  • I’m not exactly one that loves staying hospitals and a couple quick “mommy-breaks” were needed.
  • Once we got home, there was still a need for that mommy-break.

Continue reading

How I will speak to my children about smoking.

When I was younger, most people around me smoked. My parents smoked, in the car, in the house as well. Neither of them spoke to me about smoking, about it being bad, or the affects it could have on me, or the people around me. My mom smoked while she was pregnant with me, smoking just seemed… normal. My mother started buying me cigarettes when I was under age, she figured it would be easier for her to buy them, than for me to keep stealing the, or finding other ways to purchase them. When my husband was a child, his father did not smoke but his mother did. He was even younger than I was when he started smoking. It was also influenced by friends he had that were older than him. He used to steal cigarettes from his moms packs, but when he got caught, instead of explaining to him that he shouldn’t smoke, she was just concerned about him stealing. I do believe that part of the way our parents handled things was partially due to the fact that there wasn’t quite as much information available to them as there is to us now. It also was not expressed how severe the affects could be. Continue reading

Letter to My Unborn Baby

Dear Baby,

The expected due date for your arrival is Dec 27, 2014. I cannot wait to meet you. Words cannot describe how special and important you are to me. However, today I am writing you this letter to try to express a tiny glimpse of my affection towards you.

Little baby boy, you have been my strength and my inspiration. When I received my results of being pregnant, my attitude and decisions in life changed drastically. I have a natural need to protect and give you security. I love you more than you can imagine. Continue reading