Chocolate or Cigarettes

Today I found out that I am at risk for gestational diabetes. On my glucose tolerance test I came in with a 7.9, just above the safe ceiling of 7.7. Which means I will need to take a follow-up test in a little over a week to see if I have gestational diabetes. If I do, I will not be able to have the birth plan I am hoping for at the Toronto Birthing Centre, could have a host of problems both short and/or long-term for myself and the baby, and could end up needing a c-section. This is the opposite of the drug-free birth of my dreams/nightmares (ha!).

How does this relate to my quitting smoking journey?

My issues with my weight are greatly linked in my mind to my relationship with smoking, as I come from a French family who always related the two. I even had an aunt who told me point blank not to quit smoking because I would gain weight, and it’s better to be a smoker than to be fat. Have I been eating more sugar because I’m not smoking? Have I been overindulging to balance the feeling of depriving myself of smoking? Isn’t this the one time in life when a woman is supposed to be able to eat anything without feeling guilty? If I was smoking, would I be having this issue? Is smoking the opposite of this? (smoking = small baby. Gestational diabetes = big baby)

Is this quitting-smoking’s fault? Trust me, I do actually hear myself. Ridiculousness, bad grammar and all.

Today I feel scared (which makes me wanna smoke), I feel guilty (which makes me wanna smoke) and I feel at a loss for what to substitute for my addiction to cigarettes if not cheesecake.

Apparently it is quite common to have a result like this on the first test, only to find out things are fine on the second test. For now I will take it as a warning sign, get on the good foot with my eating habits and hope for work towards the best outcome. I’ll let you know my results.

3 thoughts on “Chocolate or Cigarettes

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