Dear my first cigarette,
Although it has been many years now since I had you, you have been on my mind a lot lately. I am coming up to a year smoke free, And I think about you almost every day. I think about hiding behind some trees at a nearby park and lighting you with a Bic lighter that I had stolen from my mom, along with you. Had I only had the courage to tell my ‘friends’ that it probably was not a good idea if I did it. If only I knew what lighting you would do to me for over a decade. I wish I would have dropped you on the ground, and shredded you to pieces. Better yet, I almost wish I had smoked you, or tried to anyway but I wish that instead of laughing when I coughed (choking), that I would have been honest, and admitted how disgusting you were. How horrible you tasted, how the taste dried out my mouth, and made me feel like puking. That the scent you left on my fingers, was terrible. I wish I would have used that as a lesson learned, and never to smoke again. But, that is not how our story panned out, now it is?
If it wasn’t for you, I never would have smoked the THOUSANDS of cigarettes after you. For a rough idea, we are talking over 50,000. When I think about that number it makes me sick. I wasn’t even a heavy smoker! So far since I have quit smoking, I have NOT smoked over 6,500. No matter what I do though, it will never make up for the ones I did smoke. It won’t bring back the years I smoked. It won’t bring back all the years and years that I fought with asthma, had to take inhalers every day. I could barely even get through a whole night of sleeping without a coughing fit. My lungs HURT. All because I smoked you. If only I could blame you for all of it, but I guess I should own up to my part too. I didn’t think I could quit. I didn’t really WANT to quit. Everyone else smoked, so why shouldn’t I? My social circle was pretty much surrounded by smokers. I mean, what else would we do while we sat outside at the park for hours? And on break in between classes? Lunch break at the coffee shop? Hanging out after school and on weekends? What else would we possibly do… if we couldn’t always just turn to one another and say “hey, let’s have a smoke”.
It is hard to imagine what my life would have been like if I didn’t smoke you, although I do think about it at times… Maybe I would have gone to class more? I probably wouldn’t have had as many friends, but is that such a big deal? I don’t talk to the majority of them anymore anyway. Things change as you grow up, if only I could have seen this as a young teenager. Oh well, there is nothing I can do about it now anyway, I can’t go back and just take you out of my life.
I have nothing more to say now. I just thought you should know a little about the affect you had on my life.
***People do always say that everything happens for a reason. Maybe had I gone down a different path, I wouldn’t be sitting here with the two most amazing kids screaming at me for my attention. I definitely wouldn’t be here writing this blog. I have to say, I feel more accomplished than ever knowing I am coming up to one year smoke free, and I couldn’t feel more confident that I will never pick up another cigarette again.