Moment of truth

The moment of truth….have I returned to smoking cigarettes? I have been contemplating whether to disclose if I started smoking again or not on my post.  I want to encourage my blog followers to remain smoke free, but also know that it is difficult.

I have not returned back to my normal smoking patterns. However, I have had a drag from my husband’s smoke and also had a full cigarette on my own. I am embarrassed and disappointed in myself.  But I feel that other smokers can relate to my need ‘to just have one drag’.

The first drag of cigarette I took postpartum, I told myself “this is just to stop thinking about smoking”…but then I needed another drag. After labour, I was severely constipated, and having the drag helped me to go to the washroom. Every inhalation of tobacco that I had, the urge of having more multiplied.  This led to wanting a whole cigarette. For instance, I started thinking about the feeling of lighting a smoke, and having that first rush of tobacco. I got an adrenaline rush from smoking, that made my mood change…a happier me was back. The small drags were helping me physically and mentally. I have started to make excuses to convince myself how smoking is positive and is helping me.

My subconscious mind is screaming ‘Oh oh….this is dangerous’ I do not want to return to smoking, or be a smoker. What do I do? My first step is not to blame myself and think of the small positive things I am doing.  This gives me encouragement that I can stay smoke free. The following list is what I consider as positive:

  • I am having drags outside and not near my baby. My home is smoke free.
  • I have not bought a pack of smokes.
  • I am washing my hands and changing cloths.
  • I am not having a drag of smoke after each meal

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