A Letter To My Children

Dear Girls,

Hello my darlings, let me start off by saying I love you all very much. You three are the reasons I get up each day and the reason for my continuous smile. I am writing you this letter not only to let you know how much you all mean to me, but also how I feel about smoking.

I have never denied that smoking is a bad thing to do; even when I was younger I knew it was wrong. But now that I’m older and I see how you all feel when daddy and I smoke it hurts my heart. And I wish that I never started. But now that I have my three beautiful princesses asking me to stop and seeing you cry when I put playing on hold to have a cigarette, makes me know I need to change my ways. Continue reading

Loved Ones React!

Hey everyone Lucy here again. Today is going to be about reactions to my smoking, specifically my family’s reactions and including reactions from my parents, my sisters, my husband, my in-laws, and (the most important reactions to me) my daughters.

My parents found out that I started smoking when I was ten years old. They were so disappointed in me and if I am being honest, I was disappointed in myself and ashamed. I tried to stop right then and there, but I had no self-confidence and I wanted to be liked by my peers. My peers were the whole reason I started smoking in the first place. Now, I see this as the worst mistake I have ever made. Continue reading

Working On It

I am now 27 weeks pregnant and boy is the baby moving! This is the time where the baby’s position turns from upwards to downwards. I love the sensation I feel. I can’t wait for my next ultrasound. I’m having one done at eight months and maybe this time they will be able to tell me the sex of my child. I really, really want to know!

I’ve had a pretty stress-free February. I am currently involved in a program at CAMH for mood and anxiety disorders. It’s called AIM (Alternative Inpatient Milieu) and here I attend group sessions as well as individual counseling. Anyone can be referred, you don’t have to be part of the CAMH network. The program lasts for four weeks and you live and eat here. On the weekends you get passes to go home. It’s really helping me a lot, especially with quitting smoking. Because I have to walk off the property to have a cigarette, I don’t do it very often. It has become a chore. Continue reading

Introduction to me and my story

Over the next few months, in this blog I will be describing my experiences of quitting smoking before, during and after pregnancy.

First things first: I am a twenty-eight year old mother of three beautiful little girls, ages three (almost four), one and a half (almost two), and just six months. I married my best friend who, I’ve known for the past five years. I started smoking at the age of ten, something I don’t recommend. I plan to explain this to my girls when they are older. I have tried to quit many times and could never really get up the self-esteem to go longer than a month.

I am currently enrolled in a stop smoking clinic in Hamilton ON. When I started at the clinic I was smoking upwards of fifteen to twenty cigarettes a day. Now, three weeks in and I am down to around five to ten a day. When I started I was not very confident that I could quit smoking, but in that short amount of time I have cut my smoking in half and my confidence had gone up from a five to a six. I feel like I can really do it this time.

There are many things that have affected me. The big one is stress: there is money, work, kids and things that are out of my control. I know it’s harder when people say things to you like “just quit”, or “just put them down”. But it is hard to quit and don’t let anyone tell you it’s not. My first stress factor is my girls. Don’t get me wrong I love them all with every fiber of my being, but three under the age of four can be a lot. But even more stressful is that my children are currently in the care of Children’s Aid Society because someone (we don’t know who for sure) has abused them. Another big stress factor for me is not having my own income. Since my oldest daughter was born I have been a stay at home mom. My husband is the sole income earner in our house. It is pretty embarrassing to ask for money to buy tampons and food.

I am going to end this on a lighter note by saying: it is a hard road and a long one, but I know I can do it with help from friends, family and complete strangers who blog about quitting smoking. If you need someone to talk to, please feel to talk to me. Not only can I help you by listening to you, but you can help me by talking with me. We all need help sometimes, there is no harm in seeking it out.

Good Luck.

Lucy H.

Breaking habits

As humans we are habitual creatures. I am a person who likes routine and structure in my life. Therefore, being habitual allows me to fulfill the need of routine and structure. Cigarettes have been a habit that I used to structure my life. For example, I would have a smoke after my morning tea, after a large meal or when I was stressed. Basically, smoking helped to break the day into manageable increments of time. My day would start by waking up, having my tea and a smoke. Then at work, 1030am would roll around and I would have a smoke break. Lunch time…well, you get the idea. Continue reading

A letter to my first cigarette

Dear my first cigarette,

Although it has been many years now since I had you, you have been on my mind a lot lately.  I am coming up to a year smoke free, And I think about you almost every day. I think about hiding behind some trees at a nearby park and lighting you with a Bic lighter that I had stolen from my mom, along with you. Had I only had the courage to tell my ‘friends’ that it probably was not a good idea if I did it. If only I knew what lighting you would do to me for over a decade. I wish I would have dropped you on the ground, and shredded you to pieces. Better yet, I almost wish I had smoked you, or tried to anyway but I wish that instead of laughing when I coughed (choking), that I would have been honest, and admitted how disgusting you were. How horrible you tasted, how the taste dried out my mouth, and made me feel like puking. That the scent you left on my fingers, was terrible. I wish I would have used that as a lesson learned, and never to smoke again. But, that is not how our story panned out, now it is? Continue reading

Chocolate or Cigarettes

Today I found out that I am at risk for gestational diabetes. On my glucose tolerance test I came in with a 7.9, just above the safe ceiling of 7.7. Which means I will need to take a follow-up test in a little over a week to see if I have gestational diabetes. If I do, I will not be able to have the birth plan I am hoping for at the Toronto Birthing Centre, could have a host of problems both short and/or long-term for myself and the baby, and could end up needing a c-section. This is the opposite of the drug-free birth of my dreams/nightmares (ha!).

How does this relate to my quitting smoking journey? Continue reading